rejection is protection
Dear reader,
A couple weeks ago I was in a psychedelic training program class on trauma-informed consent. The facilitators demonstrated how they have their clients practice saying no to therapeutic touch during a preparation session, so if they have to say no during a high-dose session it won't be their first time doing so. The client is asked to simply repeat the word “no,” breathing deeply in between repetitions, and notice what comes up for them, what they feel in their bodies, how they feel in relation to the therapist.
What does “no” feel like to you? Are you able to let “I would prefer not to,” roll off your tongue a la Bartleby the Scrivener, or is it a challenge?
For many of us, saying no can be difficult. How many times have you just said yes instead of no because it was easier to go with the flow or keep the peace, because you didn't want to let someone down, or because you half-heartedly hoped you'd figure out a way to make it work? Or said yes because you were scared that if you said no to opportunities that don't feel right, you'd end up without any options?
Maybe you have picked up the idea that everything will fall apart without you if you don't offer to step up or stay overtime. You might think you have to “keep your options open," and say yes to every single thing that comes your way in order to be successful.
Take the person with anxiety, who constantly works late into the night and has plenty of vacation time but hasn't taken a day off all year because “they need me, I just can't.” She desperately wants a more peaceful and fulfilling life, but all the mindfulness sessions, workouts, and even medications are going to be of limited benefit until she also learns to set boundaries.
Rather than just ask what else she can do, it's important to investigate what she is willing to turn down, sacrifice, stop in order to bring that more peaceful life into being. She might discover that saying no to working after 9pm also means saying no to the idea of herself as the woman with the weight of the world on her shoulders, the idea of herself as the glue holding her company together, and start to dive deeper into exploring why this is.
No can be a secret weapon, creating a force field of protective energy around our deepest dreams and desires. Being clear on what we want is great, but just as important is knowing what we don't want and how to say no to it. Learning to set boundaries is like a muscle, a skill that we can develop over time.
I often hear from people who initially aren't willing to say no because “I just feel bad” or “It's not that big of a deal.” No is an act of faith, and it takes courage. No - I won't stay in this relationship, I won't do the job for less than I know I'm worth, I won't give any more energy to this habit that is making me feel worse. No opens up space for what we do want, even if it doesn't exist yet, and thereby makes it possible.
Are you someone who wields no powerfully or who doesn't say it at all? How and when do you say no and what does it feel like? And what happens inside you when someone says no to you? I invite you to pay attention.
<3 Kalen Flynn, MD